Question: Which of the following are real headlines?
A: My sex addiction shame, by Ann Widdecombe
B. Gove confesses: I was a cokehead
C: Rees-Mogg ate my hamster
D: Naked Theresa walked over me in kitten heels
Answer: Only B (as yet).
To be fair, our esteemed Environment Secretary isn't the only Tory leadership contender to have 'partied with Charlie'.
Frontrunner Boris Johnson admitted to both snorting cocaine and smoking 'dope'.
And 33/1 outsider Rory Stuart knowingly broke the law when he smoked opium during a 2002 visit to Iran.
(He's the Prisons Minister, in case you were wondering.)
What other secrets lurk in the Conservative closet?
Expect more murky revelations as the battle heats up.
Michael Gove is best known, of course, for stabbing colleague Boris in the back during the last Conservative leadership contest in 2016.
You'll recall that Gove, having been made co-chair of Johnson's campaign, treacherously bailed out at the last minute to declare his own candidacy, leaving Boris little option but to stand down.
A real man of principle.
So when you hear Tory politicians preach about honour, morality and Christian values, best take it with a large pinch of...
The question for now: Is this coke-snorting, backstabbing little shit really fit to be Prime Minister?