London stabbing epidemic? Pah!
ISIS jihadis walking Britain's streets? Meh.
East European drug gangs flooding the Home Counties with cocaine and opioids? Zzz.
British police, never known to get their priorities wrong, are putting aside such piffling concerns in order to focus public resources on what really matters - a rash of pork-based crime currently sweeping Britain.
The following genuine headlines testify to the sterling work our men and women in blue are doing to bring bacon and sausage offenders to book:
Jul 2011: Grandad pleads guilty to leaving slab of bacon
Jun 2014: Pair jailed for Edinburgh bacon attack
Sep 2014: Police investigate man waving sausages in Daubhill, Bolton
May 2016: Police hunt man for throwing sausages in Finsbury Park
Nov 2016: Two men jailed for throwing bacon in Camden Town
Jun 2017: Man held over bacon hate crime in Cambridge
Jul 2017: Man jailed for tying bacon to door handles
Oct 2017: Nottingham mosque pork attack pair sentenced
Jun 2018: Teen arrested for leaving bacon on door handles
Yes, 'bacon hate crime' is a thing in 2018! But, due to the vigilance of the local constabulary, you and your family can sleep easy in your beds.
Thank goodness for law and order!
Put your hands up and step away from the chipolata.